


Trade Baby Blues for Wide Eyed Browns

by cloudedvisionary



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, anxiety's a bitch, depression bros, hand holding, idk whichever one has the tea shop and ronin and Nya becomes the water ninja, it's like sort of one-sided Kai/jay, just a couple of guys bonding over anxiety, takes place mid season 5, tfw u and ur bro cry into rocky road ice cream together, this is like season 5 I think???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-11
Updated: 2015-08-11
Packaged: 2018-04-14 02:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4547439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudedvisionary/pseuds/cloudedvisionary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After another unsolicited nightmare, Kai hopes to find some serenity in the kitchen, but he's not the only one being kept up at night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Trade Baby Blues for Wide Eyed Browns

**Author's Note:**

> wow yeah, I know what you're thinking. Kai/Jay?? what's up with that??? honestly, I don't have an answer for you. im in rarepair hell and I'm attempting to take this fandom down with me

Kai woke with a start, throat raw and tears staining his cheeks. It was that dream, that damn nightmare again. He sighed, swiping his palms across his face. This hadn't been a problem until recently. He'd been fine until they started uncovering secrets about his father. All this talk of his family... it had just been too much. He didn't need constant reminders that Nya was all he had left. 

Kai turned to the clock on his bedside table-2:16, ugh- and muffled a groan into his pillow, not wanting to wake the others, whom he shared a room with. There was no way he could get back to sleep after that, but he couldn't very well just lay there for four hours until Sensei woke them for work in the morning. Resigned, he stood and walked out of the bedroom. 

It wasn't hard to find the kitchen through the darkness; he'd been there plenty of times to get there with limited visibility. Ever since they'd moved out of the Bounty and into the little tea shop, Kai and the other ninja mourned the loss of their rather large media room, but soon got over it in favor of the huge kitchen that the shop was equipped with. They tended to spend their free time (though limited it was) in the kitchen, huddled around the table playing games, eating dangerous amounts of cereal, or trying to bake Nya various baked goods, because hey, she's been having a pretty rough year. Though the kitchen has no access to video games, it's proven to be a pretty great hang out spot for the six of them (or seven, if you count Ronin, who usually drifts in by the time the second batch of cookies is out of the oven).

When he reached the kitchen, he hadn't really expected anyone to be there. To be fair, he didn't exactly check to make sure everyone was asleep before he left. Still, a shirtless Jay digging into the last of their Rocky Road ice cream like it was his lifeline startled Kai a bit.

Both of them jumped a generous ways into the air when Kai pushed through the swinging door to enter the kitchen. Jay paused mid-chew, a line of melting ice cream trailing down his chin. Kai's eyes widened considerably, mind racing. He thought he was the only one who retreated to the kitchen in the middle of the night. Why was Jay here, of all people? If anyone were to sneak a midnight snack, Kai would have expected it to be Cole. The guy probably eats in his sleep. 

"What the hell are you doing here?" Jay voiced for him. Kai was grateful; his throat still burned. He rubbed viciously at his eyes, just in case there was still a hint of tears or redness in them.

"Couldn't, uh. Couldn't sleep." 

Jay narrowed his eyes a bit, not exactly buying Kai's answer, but he didn't press the issue. Jay was leaning against the fridge, the tub of ice cream cradled in his arms, their one good ice cream scoop deep in the tub. He turned away, a bit sheepish all of a sudden, and reached for a spoon from the silverware drawer on his left. Kai decided he wasn't really in the mood to scold him for using the scoop instead of a spoon, especially because Jay offered him the spoon and the tub of ice cream. A sort of consolation, he supposed, even though Jay had no idea what Kai was going through.

Kai took the spoon and the tub from him without a word, and gestured toward the dining table. Jay shrugged, and followed him to the table, taking a seat at the head. Kai put himself next to him, on his left, and they took turns finishing off the Rocky Road. It was kind of nice, Kai decided. Jay was oddly quiet the whole time, eyes downcast, but at least he wasn't asking any questions, like he normally would. This beat lying in bed, alone except for his own self-destructive thoughts, by a landslide. 

It wasn't until the Rocky Road was gone that Jay finally decides to start speaking again. 

"Do you..." he began and trailed off, an odd look etched on his face. His mouth furled into a small frown, eyebrows knit together. Kai watched him warily, unsure of where this was going. 

Jay sighed suddenly, and looked up at Kai. Through the dim lighting, Kai could see his eyes shone with the beginning of tears, and Kai was not good at this, dammit. He felt his own grief returning, from before the ice cream, and tried to swallow it down, for Jay's sake.

"Do you ever feel like... like you're alone, even when your friends and family and everyone is there for you? But you just can't help feeling... lonely."

And dammit, he was not ready for that question, he wasn’t ready for any of this, because it struck far too close to home and he was on the verge of tears himself, and God, he didn't even know Jay felt this way.

Images of his father on his deathbed ran through his mind, eyes sunken and lips chapped, frail hands twisting themselves in the bed sheets. A strong warrior, an element of fire, reduced to a shell of a man. The most important person in Kai’s life, dying and forgetting everything that made him the man Kai so greatly admired.

Kai realized he'd been quiet for too long when Jay turned away again, biting his lip, one hand up to his face. "Whatever, it's stupid, I don't expect you to-"

"No, I-" Kai surprised himself by speaking, quickly trying to reassure Jay. "I know what you mean."

Jay didn’t say anything, just sniffled a little. Kai couldn’t escape the memory of the nightmare anymore, not now that Jay reminded him of it. He did something rash, and took Jay's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together. It was a bit sticky, from the ice cream, but warm and firm and felt just about right.

All it took after that was Jay staring wide-eyed at him, baby blues glistening with fresh tears and looking so goddamn broken, so unlike the Jay he had known for all these years, and he was gone. The tears came in waves and he used his free hand to stifle the sob that wracked his whole body. Jay wasn't supposed to see him this way, so lost, so vulnerable, but maybe it was okay because Jay cried with him, squeezing his hand, and it was just enough.

When they were sniffling through the aftershock (still holding hands, but neither really minding), Kai started talking, even though his voice was hoarse from sobbing and he was generally mentally unprepared for talking about it, but he couldn’t go on any longer without saying something.

“Around my thirteenth birthday, my father got really sick. Like, terminally ill. He forgot who he was a lot. He forgot who Nya and I were a lot, too. My mom had died when I was three, so I didn’t really get to know her very well. My dad, though… He meant everything to me. He was my hero. So hearing him call me the wrong name, yell and lash out at me when he thought I was an intruder in his house… it tore me apart. We didn’t have the money to get him to the hospital, so Nya and I took care of him, mostly. We had a doctor come in every once in a while, to check on him, but he only got worse. I had to take up his job and teach Nya how to do it, too, so we had enough money for food and the doctor visits. Eventually, my dad, he just… gave up. I’d never seen him give up on anything before. He stopped eating, he stopped trying to remember things, and he just stopped. The day after my birthday, he—“ Kai broke off, swallowing down a sob that threatened to break through. Jay squeezed his hand a bit, and it was enough motivation for him to keep going, despite how little he desired to discuss the very reason for his night terrors.

“He died. Passed away in his sleep. I guess that’s the best way to go, though. Painless. Peaceful. After that, Nya and I took over the shop, but it was hard. Just the two of us. I feel like I could have done more, you know? For my dad. For Nya. Sometimes I blame myself for him being so miserable in his last few days. God, I was thirteen, Jay. I had to take care of my baby sister and an entire goddamn blacksmith shop when I was just thirteen, and I failed my dad, the one person I needed to reassure me that I was important, that I mattered. I couldn’t even help him. I have nightmares about it, sometimes. Not as much anymore, but, like. Tonight I did."

He took a shuddering breath, feeling only slightly lifted from the confession. He had never talked about this, not to Nya, not to Sensei Wu, not anyone. It was almost too much to think about, his deepest fears and regrets and inner demons spilling off his tongue and into the tense air. He ran a hand through his disheveled hair, fiddling with the ends.

Jay didn’t seem surprised by the confession, but he definitely had that awkward twinge of sympathy present in his expression. He stroked his thumb along the back of Kai's, a comforting gesture Kai didn't know he needed.

"I know what you mean. About not feeling important.” Jay's voice was soft, almost gentle. Kai choked on a shaky inhale, struggling to not let his emotions get the better of him again. He glanced up carefully, meeting Jay’s eyes with his own.

"I feel like... like I'm not as good as the rest of you. Like I'm holding you guys back." Jay admits this with a hint of regret apparent in his voice. "I don't mean like... I just... after Nya started getting interested in Cole, and Zane sacrificed himself for us, and everyone is so much more important than me, I can't help feeling unwanted, you know? I mean, what am I? Like, you’re the hero, and Cole’s the leader, Zane’s the martyr, and Lloyd’s the goddamn Green Ninja, so what does that make me? The comic relief? I don’t wanna be reduced to the comic relief. I wanna be someone. I wanna feel important for once.”

Kai knew. He didn't need to say anything; he knew Jay felt his recognition. The two spent a few more moments just sitting there, hands in an embrace.

"I didn't know you felt that way," Kai said after a while, avoiding Jay's eyes. Jay shrugged.

"Didn't want you to."

"Hmm."

Kai felt oddly uncomfortable all of a sudden, Jay's thumb tracing patterns on the back of his hand. The gesture was intimate, and made Kai's face heat up significantly. He suddenly became self-conscious of the rather impressive bed head he was sporting, and tried to pat it down a bit with his free hand.

"I don't think you're holding us back."

Jay's thumb paused. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." Kai risked a glance at Jay's face. His mouth curved up a bit on one side, in the beginning of a smile. If it weren't so dark, Kai might have said Jay's ears were a bit pink.

"I mean, you're an important asset to the team. You do all the technology shit around here, too. There's no way any of us could do the stuff you do. Zane's voice would probably still be all busted without you. You're super important to us, Jay." He smiled a bit himself. "Plus, you have a pretty nice ass.”

Jay outright snorted at that, covering his mouth with his free hand as he erupted into somewhat stifled laughter. Kai felt his face pull into his first real grin since he woke up from the nightmare. He wasn't exactly kidding, but Jay didn’t have to know that.

"Come on, asshole, that’s enough sappy talk for tonight. Help me clean up," Jay ordered, slipping his hand out of Kai's grasp (Kai is absolutely not disappointed by this), and picked up the empty tub of Rocky Road ice cream and the scoop. Kai grabbed his spoon and followed Jay to the sink.

They washed the silverware and tossed the ice cream, vowing to buy another tub for the others, and wiped away the Rocky Road remains from the table. Kai watched Jay as he ran a paper towel along the counter, absentmindedly wishing he could hold Jay's hand again.

Then he scolded himself for being stupid and forced himself to look away. 

As they moved to exit the kitchen, Kai was reminded that Jay had no shirt on, and caught himself staring at the pale, freckled expanse of Jay’s bare back as he walked away. Kai flushed deep and debating whether punching himself in the face was noticeable enough for Jay to ask questions. Deciding that Jay would always ask questions if given the opportunity, he had to clasp his hands behind his back to restrain himself.

Before they headed back to their room, Jay stopped in the doorway of the kitchen and turned to where Kai was following him. Had Jay caught him staring? Kai drew in a breath and held it.

"Hey, Kai?"

"Yeah?" He managed. Jay looked sheepish, almost embarrassed.

"Uh, thanks. For what you said back there." Jay was definitely blushing then; Kai could almost see it in the darkness. "It really means a lot."

Kai let out his breath and gave a short nod, smile making its way onto his face. So Jay hadn’t noticed him being totally creepy and checking out his friend. "No problem. You too. I mean, thanks, to you. Thank you. For being there."

Kai mentally kicked himself over and over. Stupid, stupid. He didn’t understand why Jay was turning him into a blubbering idiot; it was just Jay, Jay was a blubbering idiot on a daily basis (mostly due to Nya, but Kai elected to ignore that fact for then).

Jay was so close Kai could see his freckles, the scar that cut through his right eyebrow. He gazed at Kai through big blue eyes like Kai was the best thing in the world, and Kai had never, ever gotten that look from anyone other than Nya before and it kind of threw him off.

For a second, Kai thought Jay was going to kiss him (which was something Kai was surprised to learn he isn't exactly opposed to), but then Jay leaned away, and Kai almost protested.

They walked back to their room in silence, and it was the first time Kai wanted Jay to fill it with ceaseless babble like he tended to do. Kai honestly couldn’t believe this was happening to him.

Before they reached the door to their room, Jay pulled Kai into a quick, unexpected hug, and Kai thought, Oh, and then returned it. It was warm and almost electric, and made Kai feel like a total asshole for enjoying way more than he should have. 

"You're not alone, Kai," Jay mumbled into his shoulder, and Kai could feel the vibration of his voice as he spoke. "We have each other, at least. You got that?"

He couldn’t believe Jay was suddenly so optimistic about all this, when only an hour before he was a wreck about it. Kai really admired his resiliency. 

"Yeah," Kai whispered, and felt embarrassed about not wanting to let go.

But Jay was already pushing away from him, giving him a lopsided smile, and stumbling into the room and onto the bunk bed he shared with Cole. Kai watched him go, the light feeling he got from Jay's embrace already melting away.

As he stepped into the bunk below Zane, he heard Jay's whispered, "good night," and smiled to himself. It wasn’t until he settled himself all warm and snug under the covers that he returned the formality.

"Night, Jay," he said, and his heart fluttered a bit at the name. He was so utterly screwed.

When he drifted off to sleep, he dreamt not of loneliness and absent fathers, but of baby blue eyes and the splash of freckles across smiling, rosy cheeks, and he thought, okay. This is okay.

**Author's Note:**

> title is from a Fall Out Boy song, of course
> 
> my first contribution to this tiny fandom 
> 
> so this is also my first time writing angst so.... sorry if it sucks??? I'm trying lol


End file.
